Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
