OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
