I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize