im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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