I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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