He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
