I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
