I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
