So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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