I hope mine doesn't look like that
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
