Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
