I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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