If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
