I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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