my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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