Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
