I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize