well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
