My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize