I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
