if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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