I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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