I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
