The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
