turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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