Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
