I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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