My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
