we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
