I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
