This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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