Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
