I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
