so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize