I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
