If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
In other news, I just burned my penis
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
