Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
