you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
