somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
