we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
