I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Oh god it's open bar.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
