so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
