i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
