there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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