I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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