I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
