I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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