I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
All I want is dick and wine.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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