I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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