He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
