So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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