She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
