life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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