So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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