my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
