tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
we should paint friendship bongs
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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