Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
The Olympian is in my bed
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
