Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
