did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
