He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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