my phone needs a breathalizer
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
my being single is dangerous.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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