I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
