Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I know her cup size but not her name....
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