I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He shit in the fireplace
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
