Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
