Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
