your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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