i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
