this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
