This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Houston, we have a squirter
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
